I. IN THE BEGINNING, GOD GAVE YOU ACNE

II.

AT THIS POINT EVEN GOD AGREES
you really need to get laid

III.

GOD SAW YOU

  • stealing communion wine

  • drunk-dialing that nice man from church

  • IV.

    GOD IS COCKBLOCKING YOU
    But He doesn't mean to
    He's just a terrible wingman

    V.

    YOU & GOD SIP LATTES
    Your blushing confession:
    you've spent the week considering mouths

    VI.

    GOD RECOMMENDS
    you stop doing tequila shots with lime
    when you have a papercut under your thumbnail

    VII.

    GOD HAS A PLAN FOR EVERYONE
    except you

    Abigail Welhouse's writing has appeared in The Toast, The Heavy Feather Review, Yes Poetry, Lyre Lyre, the Rumpus, and elsewhere. She studies poetry and translation in the MFA program at the City College of New York, where she received the Meyer Cohn Graduate Award for Literature. To see her drink wine with a polar bear and read more of her poems, please visit about.me/welhouse. Say hello on Twitter: @welhouse.