In order to qualify as fully streetwise to Manhattan, one must be fleetwise towards its cabs, heatwise towards its grating-emissions, and meatwise towards its artisanal butchers.

The second a in Haarlem and the second a in Mannahatta migrated to the same vowel Valhalla when they died.

New York's collective neuroses are products of the tic inherent in vertical and the row in overcrowded.

'Influence peddling' becomes 'influence pedaling' on the wheels of fortune and finance.

 

New York City merges the pell in pell mell and the pel in archipelago.

Most of what is perceived by an elderly dog-walker as a scare tactic is merely a newly trending and eventually subcultural 'flair tactic.'

In Manhattan, 'waitstaff' turns into 'hatestaff' much more quickly than 'valet parking' has a chance to turn into 'chalet parking.'

Manhattan's various eyes in the sky can locate the whereabouts of someone, but not ascertain their whyabouts or howabouts.

 

The bench-to-tree ratio in Central Park continues at approximately 1-to-3, the same ratio of vermouth to brandy in a Manhattan cocktail.

Central Park's transverse roads are, figuratively speaking, the Tropics of Caviar, Cacophony, College, and Cathedral.

Contract Manhattan to the size of a breadcrumb and Central Park becomes a large patch of penicillin mold; expand Manhattan to the size of the planet and Central Park becomes the Amazonian rainforest multiplied by sub-Saharan Africa.

The pedigree of the average upper Central Park poodle has so many post-scripts it has a hard time fitting onto its flea collar.

 

The August sun that can soften asphalt back into tar cannot rewind a dining-district sirloin into a cow or a Central Park pretzel back into a stalk of wheat.

I 'Heart' New York tourist paraphernalia would more accurately be I 'Liver Transplant' New York in Upper East Side watering holes and I 'Heaving Lung' New York along Central Park's jogging trails.

At the Central Park zoo, non-captive animals like pigeons and squirrels exhibit some intriguingly in-between behaviors.

The man who was hired to survey Manhattan to prepare for its grid system had a surname that rhymes with handle, the man who designed Central Park a surname that rhymes with head.

 

In order to qualify as fully streetwise to Manhattan, one must be fleetwise towards its cabs, heatwise towards its grating-emissions, and meatwise towards its artisanal butchers.

The second a in Haarlem and the second a in Mannahatta migrated to the same vowel Valhalla when they died.

New York's collective neuroses are products of the tic inherent in vertical and the row in overcrowded.

'Influence peddling' becomes 'influence pedaling' on the wheels of fortune and finance.

 

New York City merges the pell in pell mell and the pel in archipelago.

Most of what is perceived by an elderly dog-walker as a scare tactic is merely a newly trending and eventually subcultural 'flair tactic.'

In Manhattan, 'waitstaff'turns into 'hatestaff' much more quickly than 'valet parking' has a chance to turn into 'chalet parking.'

Manhattan's various eyes in the sky can locate the whereabouts of someone, but not ascertain their whyabouts or howabouts.

 

If Manhattan is indeed a “skyscraper soup” (in William Carlos Williams'phrase), it is also more specifically a 'granite gumbo,' a 'building borscht,' and a 'monetary minestrone.'

Artistic tourists often shoot a photograph of the Manhattan skyline through the giant aquariums in Staten Island's ferry lobby, so that eels and catfish appear to be swimming around the skyscrapers.

If Manhattan's cabbies are regulated by 'hack licenses,' its skyscraper-planners should be regulated by 'stack licenses' and its garment workers by 'rack licenses.'

New York City's lover's-leaps grow progressively less tall—from skyscrapers to cliff-sides to treetops to stepladders—as cell phones add more and more features.

 

The cornerstones of skyscrapers have occasionally been known to lie about their age, like a scroll found in a Palestinian vase or a Park Avenue trophy widow.

The taller the skyscraper, the more its need for horizontal sway, and so a tower reaching to the moon would need to sway from the North Pole to the South Pole to prevent itself from cracking in two.

The mere mention of the word skyscraper can cause a carpenter's tape-measure to want to curl back into its casing.

The shadow that a skyscraper ideally 'wants' to cast usually gets blocked and swallowed by its neighbors, making Manhattan an exercise in umbrus interuptus.

Kimo Reder is an Assistant Professor of English at the City University of New York's Borough of Manhattan campus. He has published work on early American utopian communities, gastrosemantics, and animistic object relations in modern verse. He is currently working on book projects that include a maxim-map of Manhattan and a collection of "rogue linguistics" taking up Wittgenstein's challenge to write a philosophy of language composed entirely of jokes.